Yes, I took it off (2)

Are you starting to wonder why I kept on wearing it until the sixth month while actually I was so close to give up on the fourth month? The answer why I did not give up yet was because of another stupid reason.

That stupid reason is, the society. Indonesia is a country full of amazing and lovely people who care a lot about one and another, but the problem is… sometimes they care a little too much and it becomes gossip, nyinyir, nyepet, nyindir, etc. And I was afraid. I was afraid of what people are going to think of me, I was afraid because I know many people will talk behind my back about this, I was afraid  that I will be a bad example of Muslim that people are going to tell to their friends. I was terrified, so I did not take it off yet. But I found a way to release my stressful feeling, which was by not putting my hijab on when I was going out with people whom I know or I hope will not judge me.

You see? Even this reason is not related to a spiritual motive. So, there went my fifth and sixth month of wearing hijab with that last reason, until two weeks ago. When the nightmares became worst and the guilt haunted me days and nights, I knew it was the time to take it into action. I decided that before the finals week, I had to take it off because really I could not concentrate on anything because of all the feelings and I was afraid it will affected my finals. So, during my reading week of finals, I went back to my hometown, Bandung and somehow.. you know the intuition of parents, they knew there was something wrong between hijab and I. I was so relieved when I heard my dad said, ‘udah kak, jangan dipaksain kalau belum siap. Nanti kamu ngga ikhlas‘, and my mom agreed with it. So I did. I took it off.

Ikhlas. That’s the word that I did not have in my vocabulary during those six months. I did it because I wanted something in return, something stupid sadly. That’s why it was so hard for me. About the society? I decided that I have to stop listening to them. I configured that you will never ever be able to please the society. When you do something good, they will investigate your hidden motive rather than seeing it as an act of kindness. When you do something they perceive as bad, ya apalagi kalau itu, they will not try to look at it using another perspective other than theirs. But yaudah, at the end of the day I said to myself that this is my life and only I do have the power to control it, not the society whom only know my nickname. I still hear people nyindir and nyinyir, but I have stopped listening. The control of happiness is on my own hand. By taking the hijab off, it does not change me into a nakal, rebellious, bad girl. I am still me, myself, Rizki Amalia Laksmiputri. I actually feel that I am finally being myself after six months. I feel happier than before, free from the guilt and burden, and I honestly do not regret the decision that I took.

To close this extremely long curhatan that I even had to divide it into two posts,  I would conclude that I am not saying that hijab is a burden, no. It is a modesty that many Muslim women embrace all over the world. It is a burden for me because of the wrong reason behind the decision at the first place and I was not being ikhlas lillahi ta’ala. I personally adore all women whom able to be fully committed on putting their hijab on, and I cannot wait for the time when I can be one of you, again. But next time, with the right will and purposes. Since it is a religious topic that deeply embedded to the Indonesian society, I would like to say sorry if there is anything I wrote that offended anyone. Again, although I do not listen to any negativity anymore, but I do wish you can appreciate my honesty.

Salaam.


6 thoughts on “Yes, I took it off (2)

  1. Hey Amal. Im surprised and a bit sad with your decision to take it off (eventhough im not a hijaber). However, you know your own best would be like and I still believe Allah knows everything, even at the bottom of your heart. We still love you no matter what 🙂

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  2. Thank you for answering my years of curiosity. I used to sort of judge everyone who did the same yet no one chose to explain. Also thank you for your being brave and listening to what your heart says above everything. Knowing your story makes me realized that you are a true beauty, inside out. 🙂

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    1. Hai Alira. I am delighted to hear that I could give you a new perspective in looking at this kind of decision. I should be the one to say thank you though, thank you for your support and your kind words because it means a lot to me, like really I thank you. I wish we could meet up someday in the future, let me know if you visit Yk.

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  3. Mal, just hearing your story yesterday and reading this makes me think of the burden you’ve been enduring 😦 I’m so sorry for that burden, on the behalf of society. Although I myself wear hijab, I fully appreciate your courage in listening to your heart. Don’t worry, people who truly care would not judge you. This post is a fresh and insightful perspective. I just hope the time when you wear it for the right reason will eventually come! XOXO

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