What if?

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The ‘what-if’ questions are really the mean-est question that has ever existed. It fulls of imagination, daydreaming, empty hopes, guilt and regrets. Those questions like; What if I treated her/him better, so he wouldn’t leave me? What if I studied better , so I would pass the exam and go to my dream university? What if I didn’t drive and snap on that day, so I wouldn’t accidentally kill the pedestrian?

You see? It is indeed the meanest rhetorical question, because you can not turn back the time to that day – that month – that year that you regretted about. No, this post is not about lovers or ex lovers, no.

It is about questions that suddenly popped out in my mind.

What if I will never be able to meet those people I used to meet almost everyday? What if my last meeting with them in the past, was indeed the last meeting for good? What if I haven’t shown my gratitude to them for having me around and influenced me in any possible way? What if I haven’t really paid back all their kindness?

As a kid who keeps moving from one place to another for too many times, my The Hague memory was the most memorable one, out of all cities I have lived in. So, I have many of people with that ‘what-if’ questions. I wonder, when will I meet them again especially because they are living 11.000 km away from me, especially because it takes a thousand euro and 18 hours of flight to get there. I’m talking about people who have influenced me a lot, encouraged me, who have touched the deepest soul of me and I am sure I haven’t been fully thankful for their presence in my life. I am afraid that I will never meet these people again, caused by distance and any other reasons. Thus, here I am wishing to be able to say some words to;

Pak Wariso, an elder math teacher of the Indonesian School in the Netherlands who had a hard time teaching me the subject that I hate and I’ve never been good at.As a girl who has a complicated relationship with math, I couldn’t even got 4 questions right during the National Exam tryouts. Unlike Indonesian students, I couldn’t have after school classes like Primagama or Neutron. I felt so stupid, like I was about to give up, but he told me he will help and assist me, also I could disturb him anytime I want to ask about math problems. So I did, all I did was practicing to answer math questions every single day with the help of Pak War. He changed me from a girl who couldn’t got 4 questions right, to alhamdulillah I got a satisfying 7.75 for my final grade. It wasn’t only about math, it was about confidence and believe in myself.  He was great, he was really inspiring and I do really miss him so much – he was like a grandpa for me. I do wish him the best of all – for his health, his happiness;

Mr. Treanor, my English pronunciation and English drama teacher. He was so fun, energetic, and really thoughtful about his students. But what I remember the most, was his drama class. He told me I was really good doing my rag-doll monologue, and was talented as well. I remember the award that I won, what was it about? The favorite? I really couldn’t recall because I was really surprised of winning an award, when he said ‘Of course, Amalia’ and I got the best gift ever – a HHS sweater that I still keep. I remembered that I was really sad, I almost cried when I had to leave The Hague Uni for good and I met all the teachers for the last time. He gave me his daughter’s doll that I borrowed for the performance, and I still have it right now in my room. He really built up my confidence, and I haven’t really thank him for that. I really wish the best of him.

Akane Amano, a smart Japanese girl who suddenly sit next to me during the first meeting of HHS prep school when I was insecure already, afraid that the whole class would be all Chinese talking in their own language while I only know one word, Ni Hao. Our first meeting was memorable, especially it was actually my first time having a real English conversation with a foreigner in an international environment. Thank you, for being such a great friend; Hyojin Lee, Gina, a cute Korean friend whom I thought was 17 at first, but then you were not (don’t worry I wouldn’t reveal your age) haha thank you for being a great friend as well. Thank you for the nice Korean dinners you cook for us, I remember whenever you cooked something, you always cook another portion for me – the one without pork. You saved me a lot of times from pork-accident like when I ate the pork sandwich in front of the campus haha. Also, thank you for being my movie partner, thank you; Daria Kovaleva, a beautiful Russian girl, the funniest, the prettiest, and you got my friends asking me ‘who is she‘ because you’re way to pretty. You were also the one and only my Madurodam partner under the rain, the inconsistent rain was annoying but yet it was fun; Zoia Mazur, the sweetest one omyGod I really don’t know how I should start to describe you. You were like my Russian fairy-godmother, you were like a big sister. I remember you were always be the one who’s worried about me – whether I have eaten or not and sometimes you also bought me some foods inside a paper wrapping and write some encouragement words on it. I remember you were really worried about me being devastated for leaving the Netherlands, and then you gave me donuts (was it donuts?) and write ‘Dont be sad, Amalia’ on the wrapping paper. Really, really those encouragement was what I needed the most at that time, and I really am thankful for having you as my friend; Hunter, (I’m sorry I don’t know your Chinese name) he’s a friend that I think I see as a big brother I don’t and I won’t have. He’s always been so nice, so positive and optimist. He was my IELTS partner, remember when we went to Amsterdam and you had Indonesian foods and you said it was good? Real Indonesian foods are much much better, so if you want to try, you can come and visit me here haha. You also still talked with me through snapchat few weeks ago when I had problems and again, you gave me advices like a big brother does. Thank you.

For people whom I mentioned in this post, I am terribly sorry that this is the only thing I could do to show my gratitude for having you all in my life. I really am forever thankful. I really wish we could meet again and we can have a real proper talk in the future. I wish you to be healthy and happy, all the best for all of you.

Once again, thank you ❤

Ike a.k.a Amalia xx

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