Scaredy Cat is Back

[Warning: This isn’t a good and positive post]

I was sitting in a nice cafe, and took a sip of my hot chocolate drink. Out of boredom, I opened the photo gallery in my laptop, and I saw some old pictures of mine.


The first thing I noticed from the picture was “wow, there was once a time when I wore a headscarf”

But, the next thing I noticed from the picture were “look how small your thighs are” “omG is that your arms? Why so small” “your cheeks look way less chubby than now” “you were slim!” “look at that clothes that you wore there, but you cannot wear now because you’re just too fat & flabby” “look at how beautiful you were”

Then I remember bunch of my friends also saying the same thing “you look round” “your clothes are now too small for you to wear” “kamu melebar ya” “why are you gaining weight? you were prettier before”

Then, a good friend of mine said something, “you didn’t look slim, you were sick” – and what he said struck me.

You were sick. I wasn’t even offended, he was correct. What he said was the truth, I was sick and unhealthy. I stopped eating, self-harmed, lack of sleep that leads to my lack of energy as well.

But looking at these pictures, how come I don’t admire my small thighs and waist? How come I don’t wish to be beautiful, again? How come I don’t let myself being defined by number on a stupid scale, again? What if I let what people said define me? What if I will start putting worthless and trash as adjectives to describe myself, again?

This isn’t only about weight, it isn’t as simple as that.

After everything I’ve been through these past years, I thought I have recovered – from the negative thoughts, blaming games, lacking of everything, confidence issues, and others. But I’ve seen some symptoms coming back, one by one.

And now I’m thinking, what if I haven’t really recovered? What if I’ll get infected again?

I thought this blog will have posts that empower women, but how can I empower others when I can’t even empower myself?

Now I’m frightened – symptoms are coming back bit by bit.

The scariest part? I don’t know how to stop.

3 thoughts on “Scaredy Cat is Back

  1. Dear Amal…

    I am so moved to comment here because I feel that I know how you feel. As someone who experienced an eating disorder last year as well as social anxiety due to the perception I have of my body, I do feel that even though I’m in recovery these “trigger” thoughts come up from time to time, often making a perfectly fine day end up with depression.

    But the thing is…we have to continously unlearn what the society tells us about ourselves, and start being kind to yourself. It’s a hard-won and protracted struggle, I’m afraid. I’ve been told that the effect of one negative comment from others to our own mind could only be reversed by three positive thoughts — this is scientifically speaking.

    I do not profess to be an expert at this since I’m a recoverer myself, but let me tell you the words that I’ve been saying to myself everyday which have been a huge help in keeping my head up against these threatening waves of depression.

    Your body, mind and soul are better than ever now because they have been with you throughout your struggle — and your victories! The fact that you can survive and stand tall right now speaks of your strenght. You are stronger than ever, Mal..

    Looking at those pictures, I see a girl who progresses everyday despite what life throws at you as challenges. I can see the girl progressively smiles wider and more beautifully with the picture on the right having her give a defiant smile that says, “I have survived.”

    It’s okay to have these “bad” thoughts resurfacing every now and then. It’s not okay to admit defeat to them and let them dictate your actions.

    Most of all, you are beautiful just the way you are because God never creates ugly people. I am more worried about the people who cannot see this fact.

    ((Btw, yesh ini mang agak cheesy and alay.. but oh well urat malu ane sudah kinda putus :”) So maafkan temanmu ini yg polluting your wonderful blog posts hahaha)


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