Here I am writing on this blog while looking at the beautiful view from my desk on the 17th floor in Bang Sue, Bangkok.
Who would ever expected Amalia to be here, now? Even me myself had to assure myself that it isn’t just a daydream.
International Internship Program in Thailand. One month. Fully-funded. Paid Internship.
I knew about the program around a year ago, and it was the year 2016. I saw the poster, I read it, I kept it. Did I apply? No. Anyone who knows me well know that I get anxious easily, and just like that… I stopped thinking about it. In my head, it was repeatedly telling me that I’m not worthy for such thing, I am lacking of skills to work professionally, and I am just not good enough for something so prestigious. No one said that, but I said that and I have been believing in it for so many years. I might not look like the one who overthink, overanxious, over-everything, but trust me.. once the attack comes, no one can save me not even myself.
So just like that, it was one of the attacking moment and finally I stopped, I just gave up. In Bahasa Indonesia we call it kalah sebelum bertanding, basically means you haven’t even tried but you lost already because of your own thoughts.
This year, 2017, I saw the poster, I read it, I kept it. And I applied. Two essays, one interview, tons of anxiety and at the end, I passed. All praise to God. I still feel like it is so unreal for me to be here, I mean.. I was chosen as one of the 12 contestant from Indonesia out of nearly 1.300 applicants! It was less than 1% chance. I couldn’t believe myself, it really boost my confidence to the next level. I am able to tell myself that I am worthy, as worthy as anybody else to receive the honor. That I can do it, I can do that, I can (almost) do everything once I brave enough to actually try. That I can stop listening to my own inner demon with its mean and negative comments.
Sometimes, your own biggest enemy is yourself. Stop being too harsh on yourself, listen to your deepest shy-est soul who tells you that you are good, you are enough. More importantly, befriend yourself. I am still learning to do so, and I hope that everyone out there is learning too because trust me, at the end of the day it is only you and yourself who is together 24/7. Trust yourself, be kind to yourself as kind as you are to everyone else. Trust her.
Because only then, this year, 2017, I saw the poster, I read it, I kept it. And I applied. And I passed. And I am so happy that I did.
Because now, here I am writing on this blog while looking at the beautiful view from my desk on the 17th floor in Bang Sue, Bangkok.