Yes, indeed I took my hijab/veil/headscarf/ whatever-you-wanna call-it that has wrapped my head for approximately six months off.
Why? That’s the question isn’t it?
I decided to create one post on this blog to answer that question, because people have been asking me a lot. Everyday, at least two or three persons asked me the same question all over again, so I think it would be a great idea to write about it and share the post on my facebook, line, etc to reduce the amount of questions being asked to me everyday and so that people are not gonna assume – but hearing the fact from me, directly. Lastly, this is actually a personal and sensitive issue, and thus I wish you will appreciate my honesty.
To answer this, I need to go back to six months ago when I decided to put it on. What is/are the reasons? No, the reason was not because of religious reason, was not because of that’s what the holy book says, no. To be honest, the reason was rather stupid, embarrassing, and too personal that I will not elaborate here. But the point is, I did not do it for the right purpose(s). The first until the fourth week of wearing it was still a piece cake, I even found it quite comfortable. However, entering the second month, I started to re-think my reason of putting it on because the base of that stupid reason started to lose. Weeks passed, and I kept on questioning.
Moving on to the third month, I realized how stupid the reason was and started to feel guilty of it. I felt guilty because of the reason, I did it not for Allah. I started to think of taking it off because of the guilt that burdened me, but then I thought ‘well, I know you started it wrong but push yourself. Keep on going, sayang kamu udah mulai terus berhenti’ and I was trying to find the right reason to wear it. But it was hard, you know. Finding the reason was hard when your head is so full with the guilty feeling that you could not go a day without. Everytime I put it on, I felt so fake, so wrong.
On the fourth month, it became worst. I started to dream about it, sometimes about people pushing me to put it on, sometimes like I was chased by groups. It started to bother my daily life, I kept on thinking about my hijab all the time. Because of the burden that I felt caused by the guilt, I somehow felt like I changed into someone I am not. I became quite-er, not as cheerful as I used to be, I contemplated a lot.
Are you starting to wonder why I kept on wearing it until the sixth month while actually I was so close to give up on the fourth month? The answer why I did not give up yet was because of another stupid reason.